Missed

I missed blogging. But tonight, well this early morning, have updated my blogpage and I'm gonna sleep now. It's 3:39am.

Can't wait for my next post.

Meaning

For five minutes i was staring blankly at the window, eyes straight at the afternoon skyline, not bothered by the noise of construction down below. There was actually nothing to see, nothing special nor interesting. Everything i see now from the 11th storey building was too insignificant. I went downstairs and take a walk and after 10 minutes I saw myself riding the train towards the city. But there's nowhere, no place in mind, maybe I'll just ride until the train reached the terminal where I will be forced to alight, and from there i can think of a certain place. Well, it didn't happen. After five stops, I went down. I stopped. And thought, what the hell is going on? What is the meaning of all these things? Why am I in this place and not somewhere else? How come I reached this point in life when I question everything that's going on. Is this the best of all the things that is supposed to happen, or is there anything else better? Questions multiply. Quarterlife crisis huh? Or midlife crisis. This is a pain in the butt.

I went out of the subway. Rain was pouring, like tears from heaven. It was too dark for a late afternoon. Gloomy and I'm not myself. Damn, this is nice, I couldn't go outside. So I head down towards the subway again. I passed by a bookstore. Now I have somewhere to go. Bookstore. The first section called "Philisophy" caught my eyes. Self-help books? Anger management? The meaning of life? God? deym again, this is too much to digest. After half an hour trying to look for books that will somehow help, I said, what's the point?? These books are words of someone else trying to take money from me and at the end of the book, everything still lies on me. Crap!

Well, I asked myself again, what is the meaning of everything that's going on. Hmmm, I don't know. I know I couldn't figure this maze out and there's no helping it. This life is too much for my impaired neurons to figure out. Oh well, I smiled while the next train is coming. I just hope time is on my side. Life will explain itself to me in time. And all of these things, it will conclude itself in a very brief meaning - life, just live it.

Hey! I Should Be a Pianist

It's been a long time. Thought I will never be able to write it down while I am stuck here - boxed and concealed, like my brain is not supposed to think of anything else except these numbers and the language, foreign but distinct - but alas, and I wonder for a while, grabbed a chair, plugged earphones with strangest songs and release the thoughts.

What happened while I am away? I'd say it's irrelevant and ultimately boring.

It rained cats and dogs this morning, you know. I wish I could just let myself soaked and come to office and then my managers would shove me away and then the rest of the day, I'll just sit around and do nothing. Anyway, that didn't happen though I was partially insane this morning. I just daydream while being forced to attend to a training where no one participates.

On my way home, at the subway, I thought about doing something I should have done before. Something I wanted in the past but was too unfortunate, thus, this wanting was forgotten and buried somewhere between the 2002s and 2003s. The wanting for the ebony and ivory just got resurrected. And now I am asking myself, how the hell will I be able to become a pianist at this age, with this learning curve deteriorating, hands that most of the time are tired from work. Then I suggest, how about 5 years from now, I can enroll myself at a conservatory school - Berkeley student program! Nah! Stupid suggestion. Stupid thoughts.

I am stucked in this profession which I half-heartedly chosen, and now, wholly chained.

There's always a way I guess. Someday soon, my dear ebony and ivory.