Missed

I missed blogging. But tonight, well this early morning, have updated my blogpage and I'm gonna sleep now. It's 3:39am.

Can't wait for my next post.

Meaning

For five minutes i was staring blankly at the window, eyes straight at the afternoon skyline, not bothered by the noise of construction down below. There was actually nothing to see, nothing special nor interesting. Everything i see now from the 11th storey building was too insignificant. I went downstairs and take a walk and after 10 minutes I saw myself riding the train towards the city. But there's nowhere, no place in mind, maybe I'll just ride until the train reached the terminal where I will be forced to alight, and from there i can think of a certain place. Well, it didn't happen. After five stops, I went down. I stopped. And thought, what the hell is going on? What is the meaning of all these things? Why am I in this place and not somewhere else? How come I reached this point in life when I question everything that's going on. Is this the best of all the things that is supposed to happen, or is there anything else better? Questions multiply. Quarterlife crisis huh? Or midlife crisis. This is a pain in the butt.

I went out of the subway. Rain was pouring, like tears from heaven. It was too dark for a late afternoon. Gloomy and I'm not myself. Damn, this is nice, I couldn't go outside. So I head down towards the subway again. I passed by a bookstore. Now I have somewhere to go. Bookstore. The first section called "Philisophy" caught my eyes. Self-help books? Anger management? The meaning of life? God? deym again, this is too much to digest. After half an hour trying to look for books that will somehow help, I said, what's the point?? These books are words of someone else trying to take money from me and at the end of the book, everything still lies on me. Crap!

Well, I asked myself again, what is the meaning of everything that's going on. Hmmm, I don't know. I know I couldn't figure this maze out and there's no helping it. This life is too much for my impaired neurons to figure out. Oh well, I smiled while the next train is coming. I just hope time is on my side. Life will explain itself to me in time. And all of these things, it will conclude itself in a very brief meaning - life, just live it.

Hey! I Should Be a Pianist

It's been a long time. Thought I will never be able to write it down while I am stuck here - boxed and concealed, like my brain is not supposed to think of anything else except these numbers and the language, foreign but distinct - but alas, and I wonder for a while, grabbed a chair, plugged earphones with strangest songs and release the thoughts.

What happened while I am away? I'd say it's irrelevant and ultimately boring.

It rained cats and dogs this morning, you know. I wish I could just let myself soaked and come to office and then my managers would shove me away and then the rest of the day, I'll just sit around and do nothing. Anyway, that didn't happen though I was partially insane this morning. I just daydream while being forced to attend to a training where no one participates.

On my way home, at the subway, I thought about doing something I should have done before. Something I wanted in the past but was too unfortunate, thus, this wanting was forgotten and buried somewhere between the 2002s and 2003s. The wanting for the ebony and ivory just got resurrected. And now I am asking myself, how the hell will I be able to become a pianist at this age, with this learning curve deteriorating, hands that most of the time are tired from work. Then I suggest, how about 5 years from now, I can enroll myself at a conservatory school - Berkeley student program! Nah! Stupid suggestion. Stupid thoughts.

I am stucked in this profession which I half-heartedly chosen, and now, wholly chained.

There's always a way I guess. Someday soon, my dear ebony and ivory.

Indie Rock

I don't know why I stayed tonight here at the office just to download indie rock albums from several artists I just run a couple of samples from amazon... then download galore. I'm a sucker for this. I found one interesting band named Barcelona...they're close to the Fray but sometimes sound like Coldplay or some of the piano based bands. Love Get Up single. Whatever.
For about ten years, I just got addicted to Paula Cole's This Fire album.
I also have Counting Crow's August and Everything After... it's melodramatic.
Starsailor's All the Plans is superb, this band never dissapoints me.
City and Colour's Bring Me your Love is quite a great acoustic album, simple yet elegant, I may add this album on my phone's playlist.. it's sort of mood stirring... I just wonder how the hell did he get the name. This is a great acoustic love album.
And last, Fleet Foxes! What's great about this indie group is that they're music is sort of different like pastors singings rock in synch. I remember Simon & Garfunkel and Black Sabbath and those cassette tapes of my father and all those country blues. Wew.

Then What?

It's almost three years already. Back then I was full of hope, energy and determination, excited to grasp every opportunities waiting now that I passed the 2006 board examinations. I did well. That's good news, and even our neighborhood rejoices.

Three years. What good have I done so far? What have I accomplished? Well I'm an auditor for three years, what else can I say. Experience. Friendship. Work, tons and tons of them!

Whenever I look back at my old self, I would always say, nothing much changed, except that I aged, I got more wrinkles, I got a job and got more wrinkles. A lot of things that I still don't understand. There's a lot of things unacceptable. Things with so much burden. Dreams, they'll forever be dreams. Selfishness growing and growing.

Where am I heading really? I'm putting a lot of energy to things I don't understand. I don't know. Maybe I'm just walking to places with so many paths, a room full of doors, fields of a thousand acres, or a sidewalk filled with splendid distractions.

Sometimes I just can't trust with what my heart desires. I may be too afraid of the outcomes or too afraid to trust. I always want to play things safe, not to hurt and not to be hurt. I know life can't be happy at all times because there's a lot of feelings around the circle and what are they here for just for me to be happy. If I put some courage to trust, then what?

June 3, 2009

Tinatamad na nman akong magtrabaho. Masakit din ang lower extremeties ko dahil sa paligsahan ng jumping rope sa gym kagabi. Ganto tlaga pag slack season, me epidemia ng katamaran. Kaliwa't kanan ang gala at lakaran. Haha. Though hanggang dito lang ako sa pinakamalapit na malls. Hay magastos.

Naalala ko ang mga kagastosan ko kagabi. Masama kasi ang loob ko kaya ayun, nabuyo ako ni Jam at Metel na bumili ng sleeveless na green jacket na may hood at isang t-shirt. Well nabuyo ko rin nman si Jam n bumili ng isa pang sapatos aside dun sa nabili na nyang isa pa. Haha. Hay magastos nga.

Bakit nga ba masama ang loob ko kahapon. Hmm. Ayoko ng alalahanin tutal nkapagshopping nman na ako e. Amazing. Nagring ang phone sa tabi ko... sinagot ni Ferds, then sa kin daw. Okay, alam ko na kung sino. Huhu.

Me katangahan kasi akong ginawa kagabi and it costs a lot. Kainis talga. Naiwan ko kasing bukas yung gripo sa CR namin so kninang madaling araw bumaha sa loob ng bahay. Yun kasing landlady namin e dun din nkatira, sa baba sya nkaseparate lang na kwarto. Ayun nabasa ung foam na hinihigan nya.

Maselan kasi ang landlady namin. Gusto nya palitan ko. E syempre nahiya narin ako na wala syang hihigan kaya ayun, napilitan na akong palitan. Pero naiinis ako. Huhu. Kasi ang mahal nun ah. Tpos at replacement cost ko babayaran. As in brand new ang gusto ng lola mo. Hay.

Well, di ko nman pwedeng sabihin na kung magkano lang ang damages, yun lang babayaran ko. At syempre dpat at book value na dapat plus kung meron mang sentimental value, iadd natin pero di yun aabot sa replacement cost.

Hayaan nlang natin. Ayoko na ngang isipin, nawawalan lang ako ng ganang magwork, makipagusap, kumain at gumastos kasi ubos ang allowance ko nun. Huhu.

Hay.

Inis

Naiinis ako. Kau lang ba me karapatang mainis? Grrrrrrr...

Badtrip kayong lahat. Dahil inis ako, lalahatin ko na.

PAS 39 - Unfair Value?

Today I received a mail asking me to pay the dues for my tardiness. Yes, my tardiness equivalent to Php2,430. My name’s in the top of the list sent to everyone in the cluster. Prior to that, they were asking everyone to commit their payment date. Some did commit this payday. Some commit to pay in full. Some in piecemeal. Some names are highlighted in yellow. Yellow means no commitment at all. My name is in yellow.

I am an auditor. I am working more than enough for a day. My working hours is not a boxed type like 8:00am to 5:00pm. I work overtime most of the time and overnight sometimes. My workload: Tons. My salary: Nevermind. Overtime charges: Waived.

Here comes a rule of the cluster. Penalties for tardiness! Those who will come and sign in the timesheet on or before 8:30am are safe. 8:31am to 9:00am, 20 pesos then 50 pesos 9:01am onwards. Unfortunately, if you forgot to sign, that’s 70 pesos my dear.

Here’s a brief profile, though I’m still lucky for having less than normal (is 10 the normal number of clients here?) number of accounts handled.
Accounts handled: 1 Bank with 3 financial statements, 1 Managed Fund with 2 financial statements, 2 service-oriented entities with 2 financial statements,

Deadlines: 3 overdue financial statements, February 27, March 5 and March 16, Weekly meetings, and so many instant deadlines.

Let’s talk about the Standards of Accounting while is the backbone of auditing. Have you heard the word “fair value”? It’s everywhere in the Standards 1 to 42, and PFRS 1 to 8, and in the IFRICs. We’ve been dealing with all of these standards everyday. I’ve been dealing with computations on how to get that damn “fair value” of assets and liabilities. Pricing models and functions, appraisals, actuarials, valuations, present values, discounted cashflows, impairment, and so on and so forth. Amen. But what really is fair?

Wouldn’t it be fair if you take my shoes? It would. Take it and tell me if it really is.

I am not abiding by the rule anymore. I did before. I pay promptly. Try to catch up to time schedules. Passed, missed, passed then missed. But most of the time, missed. I know I didn’t play well, and I paid the consequences.

Soon, the season’s starting again and I can’t comply anymore. My body clock’s back to evening shift. I was waiting for someone to lift the rule. No one did. I started not to sign. Two consecutive weeks, as a signal. A red light. I was waiting for someone to open up and help me. People, I can’t catch up anymore. No one did. Instead, that’s when the “no signing = 70pesos” started. I continued my silent protest. This is too much. This is not reasonable. I am asking you to pull me up, not to let me drown and suffer more. And even more, why tell everyone that I owe you this much? That’s equivalent to a slap on my face.

I know my shortcomings. I am trying to keep up and do whatever I am asked to do. Prepare what I am asked to prepare. Deliver what I am asked to deliver. It may not always be on the dot, but I tried. Wasn’t that fair enough? I am not charging my overtime because we’re all concerned about the profitability of the engagement, not sleeping enough just to meet deadlines, missing so many things about life, just to have your promised experience and marketability. Wasn’t that fair enough?

I’ve done my share on what is fair. Do your share too. I have paid my shortcomings; don’t ask me to pay more.

I am really unmotivated to work. I never wanted this. I don’t like the feeling that I hate my job because I understand the dignity of labor. But this is so unreasonable.

I just want to take a rest. I just want to go home. Be with my family and live a simple life. There, I know, fair or not fair, they will accept me.

All I want now is to finish the job soon and find a better place for me.