Tired with a Broken Spirit

I got a good title but who knows I'll get a bad job. I got a lot of resources but who knows I'll get everything burned. I got a plan of using the company's name but who knows the company has already laid its plan on me on the onset.

I don't want to be here anymore. If only I can wish myself away, away where there's no blinding light to follow. Where there are no people who wishes the same thing of going away. Where there's no pressure. No unrecognized efforts. No failures. No time constraints. No standards. No broken spirit. No tears for non-sense things. No unreasonable rules. Hell no.

I never wished for an easy life. I know how difficult life would be, but I know, for people like us, God wouldn't even give this kind. Not this kind. But I chose to be here.

I know, I got it bad and who knows how bad I got it. I'll quit the soonest possible.

Exchange Gift

Oh well, pasko na naman. At anu pa nga ba? Panahon n nman ng mga regalo-regalohan, de-monyito-de-monyita, krismas farty at kung anu-anung kaartehan at kachurvahan. Lahat yan have one thing in common. At yun ay.. gastos! I-cash mo man or i-cashcash using your HSBC credit card.
Nagsimula ang aming de-monyito-de-monyita nung November pa, kakatapos lang ng undas non. Ang effect, something-something.. something big, bigger, biggest! Naalala ko inabot kami ng alas tres ng madaling araw sa starbucks greenbelt 3 kakaisip ng churvang something na yan. Dahil 5 weeks pa yun bago magsipagbakasyon, 5 times kaming magbibigayan, at dahil nagkukuripot pa ang mga tao nung napag-isipan to, P50 lang ang minimum amount. Eto ung list:

1st week - something colorful with at least 5 colors. Okay fine. Nagbunutan. Wait sino nga bang maswerte ang nabunot ko. Oh c MarkF. Binilhan ko sya ng Mug na Mickey Mouse at hanggang ngaun nman e ginagamit nya. Nkikita ko sa area e. Syempre me natanggap ako. Peach salamat sa colorful na mejas. Ahaha. Pinakamasaya sa min non si Ferds kasi nakatanggap sya ng kulay-kulay na tsokolate. Galing ke MarkF.

2nd week - something thumbsize ang drama. Nahirapan ako dito, putik. Di nman kasi ako katulad ni Ferns na panghigante ang daliri. Malas naman. Si MarkF n nman nabunot ko. Hirap magbigay ng gift ke Mark kasi for sure me comments yan. Hmp. Binilhan ko nlang sya ng maliit ng figurine na bear na nabili ko pa sa kasuluksulukan at kataastaasang parte ng Glorietta. Lahat yata ay nahirapan sa paghahanap. Hay nkatanggap ako ng metal na keychain with a Konoha symbol. Galing ke Jam. In fairness, dalawa ung keychain. Ayun nkasabit sa area ko. Sino ang pinakamasaya ng week na to..hmmm. Wala ako maalala, basta walang nagbigay ng pagkain.

3rd week - something that starts with XYZ. Walanghiya ang nakaisip nito. Marami nman kaming naisip na bagay like working paper (?) at cyclophone (???). Well nakatulong ang dictionary dito. Amazing tlaga. Uy, akala nyo c MarkF nabunot ko? Hindi na. Alam nyo ba na blooming ang lovelife ng nabunot ko sa XYZ, masarap din syang magluto, dalawang klase, isang matabang at isang mejo matabang. Ahahaha. Kahapon sapilitan nya akong pinabili ng detergent powder na gawa ng kapatid nya. Ginawa pang tester ung mga damit ko. Ayun, bakit ba napunta ke Kumare ang usapan. Binilhan ko sya ng back issue ng Yummy na magazine. Pinili kong issue e yung mga desserts at sweets para di na matabang ung ipagagawa nyang dessert sa min. Pero promise, masarap yung ref cake na ginawa nya. Grabe. Maiba tau, nkatanggap ako ng Yoshi na action figure. Salamat Ferns, ang bait mo. Nakatanngap din si Bestfrend ng Yoshi pero mas maganda ung sakin at mas mahal.

4th week - something with animal design. Wow, walang effort to. Nabunot ko e si Jam. Amazing. Mickey mouse lang katapat nyan. Something special ang bigayan ng week na to. Sabay kasi sya sa birthday treat ni Jimboy at AngelEla. Wow, Big Buddha. At eto pa, me dalang leche flan c Ferns, na gawa ng Mamma nya. (Hmm.. masyado ng nababanggit ang pangalan ni MarkF aka Jimboy at Ferns dito, hmmp). Nabadtrip ako ke Metel kasi nilaglag nya ako dahil wlang resibo ung gift ko ke Jam. Kelangan kasi ng resibo para maprove na d sya bababa ng P50. Sabi nya kasi nung binili namin yun Mickey mouse na keychains, sya nlang magpoprove kasi walang resibo ung chipanggang stand na binilhan namin. Malas talaga ang araw na yun, puro gastos. Bumili kami ng gift para sa mga celebrants. Gym bag para ke Jimboy kasi chipangga ung ginagamit nya na gym bag. Tpos ke AngelEla, sandamukal na libro. Si Kumare ang nagpauso nung libro na yun. Ahaha. Tpos syempre nagbigay kami ng something ke Bestfrend para sa kanyang resignation. Mural. Ai hindi. Mosaic pala. At puro mukha ni Jam ang nandun sa mosaic. Hmmp. Naglagay kami ng message sa likod ng mosaic na frame. Wala akong nareceive na gift nung gabi na to. Si Peach n nman nkabunot sa kin. Dapat me multa yun kasi Saturday na nya binigay ung gift. Hmp. Stufftoy na lion natanggap ko. Ayun nkakalat din sa area ko.

5th week - something that represents your de-monyito/a. Ang hirap naman nito, masyadong madarama. Nakailang ikot ako sa mga mall kakahanap ng gift sa nabunot ko. Amazing. Madali lang nmang bigyan ng gift ung nabunot ko. Ahaha. Antukin sya kaya unan ang ibibigay ko. Grin din sya so pwede na rin ang back issue ng FHM or kahit anung malalaswa at mahalay na magazine. Ahaha. Alin kaya dito. Di pa kasi ako nkakabili.

Kasabay sa 5th week ang bigayan ng pinakafinal ang pinakamahal na gift. 1thou to 1.5thou ang budget. Okay fine. Gumawa kami ng wishlist tpos dun pipili ung nkabunot kung anu igagrant mo. Masaya to. Kaabang abang. Bukas na kasi to e. Ai mamaya pala. Nasa office pa kasi ako. Nagpapanggap na naman.

.....to be continued

The Last Christmas

I am making my wishlist. So many that it would fill-up the piece of paper. I write them down, one by one, mix and match, arrange it according to importance, then according to price. But knowing this will be the last Christmas, I look at the list again and felt it was empty.
I am putting decors at home. Dancing red and green lights, christmas tree full of christmas balls hanging around, gifts and toys below and a lot more just to feel the season. I let the door and windows open to welcome everyone. But it is only the cold wind which minds to visit. And knowing this will be the last Christmas, I stood by the door and felt like there's no one to call.
I am packing my bags and decided to go home for a holiday visit. Packed the gifts and toys beneath the chrismas tree. People there will be very glad to see me. I should be glad seeing them too. But knowing this is the last Christmas, I just couldn't make another step outside.
Days fade without the Christmas tree, without hearing carols, without seeing the dancing lights, without having noche buena, without the gifts, without the greetings... Where is the warmth of Christmas?

The Wind and the Tree

Pick out the cloud you want to blow away. Pick out the strongest tree you want to bend. Pick out the houses. Pick out the grasses. Pick out the airplanes, the birds and the flowers. Pick out and unite. Pick out and separate. Pick out and divide. Pick me out. Pick out whatever you wish. Pick out according to the rules of nature.

Grow out in vast lands. Grow out until you've filled the mountains, the valleys and the cities green. Grow out and find your place. Grow out and be steady. Grow out with flowers of different colors, fruits of different tastes, leaves of different shapes and sizes. Grow out and stay. Grow out with strength. Grow out and die according to the rules of nature.

Rules of nature, fate, meant-to-bes.

We belong to the same seed, the same root, the same stem. We were separated by time and by nature. The seed has to grow. The stem has to grow. The tree has to build its branches. Now, we belong to different branches but we belong to the same tree. Soon, small branches sprung out of branches. Small branches grow and create another branches. The we came along and we were surprised. We were not so distant. Others came along too. Yes, we belong to different branches but we were not so distant.

We were united by nature and time. The wind was warm and gentle and we were filled with joy. With warmth and joy, we grow.

As we grow, the wind came tired and cold. Yet we were still hoping it will return. We grow in hope this time. Soon the wind came back but it was more colder and swift. We did not understand. We did hold on. Resist to let go. Resist to let go.

Soon, we do not belong to the same tree anymore. We have to let go. The wind carries me and I was surprised. It was warm and gentle again. Now I understand. And I know you do as well.

Pick out and unite. Pick out and divide. Pick out according to the rules of nature. Grow out in vast lands. Grow out and find your place. Grow out according to the rules of nature.

Stay. Stay Deep....Even Deeper.

Stay. If you do, we’ll be the best of friends. Sure there will be a lot of good things and times ahead of us. We will be thankful for that. Sure there will also be hard times, but those times will just past by. And by the time we were good again, we will forget the bad times. But we will never regret. Instead, we will be thankful for that. We will always look at the brighter side of life, the greener shade of the leaf. Just stay more and you will see.

It’s easy to look back who were then. Yesterday is easy to look back, see, I have them listed in my memory! Sure it will also be easy to look towards the future! See it’s been years. We never thought this is future two years ago! See, it didn’t take too long. Yes, there’s a storm approaching next week, but that will be gone soon. We’ll never notice. It’ll be just a breeze. I suggest, while it is still sunny outside let’s go out with them. They will be glad too. We’ll have them come inside the house when the storm comes. Just stay longer and you will see.

Wait! The treat is still rolling. One of them is still preparing her breakfast treat. It will be exciting we’re having breakfast altogether. And yes, coffee will be served afterwards. The best coffee! Not just an ordinary coffee. I am sure there will be a lot of things to talk about over it. Oh and have you forgotten, you still owe me a treat! You can’t go, you still have to pay. Nah, forget the treat, just stay a bit more.

Now, coffee’s over and I have no more interesting stories to tell. Yes, you’re leaving. But not as sooner as I thought. I thought you will stay here after the storm. I guess the coffee over there is far better that what we have here. You go, and I have no more interesting stories to tell. You go, and I left the coffee gone cold.

The treat will still roll. The less ordinary coffee is still served. Soon the storm will come. We will overcome. The rain pours hard.

You belong to the heavier clouds. You fall off the ground ahead. You came rushing to the streams ahead. In the end, you came down to the sea. Stay deep so you won’t become a heavy cloud again. Stay deep. Even deeper. We will follow soon as we fall down.

Rain still pours hard...

Brad Patayin Mo ang Kandila!

Di ako umuwi ng province kasi natapat na weekend ang holiday. Hirap makipagsiksikan lalo na sa barko. Stay na lang ako sa Manda. Wala rin akong balak pumunta ng Cainta. Mahoholdap lang ulit ako dun. Nadouble hold-up kasi ako nung sweldo ng ate at kuya ko. Hay. Di ako mabait na kapatid, wala lang talaga akong nagawa. Che.

Bumili na lang ako ng kandila sa SM, anim na piraso. Sa lola, sa dalawang lolo, sa kapatid ng lolo, sa tiyo ng lola, sa ibang kamag-anak sa mother’s side at isa para sa mga kamag-anak sa father’s side. Siguro naman di na nila ako dadalawin. Lashir kasi umuwi ako. Thishir lang hindi.

Maiksing pabilog ang binili kong kandila para madaling maubos. Sabi kasi ng mga matatanda sa min dapat pag nagtirik ka ng kandila sa mga yumao, dapat intayin mong maupos. Sign ata yun ng paggalang. Parang nasa hapagkainan, wag kang aalis hanggat me kumakain pa. Tapos pag di ka daw nakadalaw, ipagtirik mo rin sila ng kandila, same thing lang.

8pm na ako nakauwi. Sinindihan ko kagad ang anim na kandila sa may terrace na mukhang veranda sa tabi ng kwarto. Hindi kasi ganung kataasan. Syempre plus konting dasal. Sabi ko ‘baka matagal ding maubos yung kandila at mapaovernight pa ako sa pagintay na maupos.' Naglaba muna ako ng mga mejas, panyo at underwear. Nagmidnight snack. Nanuod ng TV ng konti. Pag-akyat ko, hindi pa rin upos. 11pm na. Hindi pa ako inaantok kaya naglaro muna ako ng mga games sa laptop. Maya-maya may tumatawag sa pangalan ko sa harapan sa ibaba. Lumabas ako sa terrace. Ah yung landlady naming matandang babae pati kapitbahay naming lalaki. Tinanong nila ako kung nakalagay daw ba sa baso yung kandila. Huh? So kelangan ko ng anim na baso. Dalawa lang kaya yung baso ko (isang mug at isang plastic na tumbler). Sabi ko hindi po. Nakadikit po sya sa sahig, sabi ko. Although di ko naman kailangang idikit kasi tatayo naman ung kandila kasi pabilog sya. Sinabi ko na lang na wag po kayong mag-alala, binabantayan ko naman at iniintay kong maupos bago ako matulog. Nakabukas kasi yung pinto sa terrace at tapat lang nun ung kama ko kaya kita ko kung anu nangyayari sa mga kandila. Natatakot siguro sila na baka may mangyaring masama at magkasunog. Dikit dikit pa naman ang bahay namin. Huh? Alam ko naman yun. Sige na pagbigyan ang mga matatanda.

Tinamad na tuloy akong maglaro. Nakinig na lang ako ng kanta. Elton John. After ng limang kanta ni Elton, may tumatawag ulit sa baba, Brad! Brad! Brad! Sabay hampas sa kahoy na terrace. Alam ko na kagad kung sino ang hinayupak na to. Lumabas ako kagad kasi ang dami nyang sinasabi. Tumpak, ang anak na adik at lasinggero ng landlady namin. Baka daw gusto kong magkasunog. Di ko daw ba alam na kahoy yung bahay. Blah blah blah. Nagpinting na tenga ko. Mukha ba akong adik? Igaya ba ako sa kanya. Kuya matino ang pag-iisip ko di tulad mo. Siyempre mahinahon pa rin ako, ah kuya binabantayan ko po yan. Sagot nya, kahit pa! blah, blah, blah. Nagpinting lalo ang tenga ko. Adik talaga tong mamang to, sinabi nang binabantayan ko e. Tuloy pa rin sya, blah, blah, blah. Siyempre para tumigil sya, sundin na lang ang gusto. Sabi ko, sige kuya patayin ko na lang. Kuya, ang ganda ganda mo, ang ganda mong patayin! (haha) Nakadrugs na naman siguro sya. Mag aala una na ng madaling araw. Ah bahala ka, lagot ka sa mga yumao kong kamag-anak!

For sure usapan to mamayang umaga ng mga mahaderang kapitbahay. Hay. Manda doesn’t fit my lifestyle anymore. Huh? Anung connect. Basta lang.

Love - Everywhere but Never Clear

It was always easy for you. You were free and so easy. Love is everywhere, it is always in the air. And you were so easy. Your mindset is that it is always there, no one can take it away. You have plans, thoughts, directions, strategies. And when you feel like this is the right time, you'll pull a table, lay my plans and start working it out. But suddenly, you were never easy. You've learned, love is everywhere but it was never clear where. So unclear that you thought it could be someplace far away, or it could be someplace nearby. And then, you end up wandering alone, almost eternally, where?.

Come a year or so, you have learned how to carry out your plans. Love always comes to your mind. Excited. Smoothly laying your plans...learning from others experience... But when your turn comes, you were so afraid to commit. So scared your plans will never be carried out the way you want it. You refuse. Confused, you turn your back. You've learned, love is everywhere but it was never clear where and when. So unclear that you thought it could happen at your most vulnerable moments, or when you've already settled and committed. And then, you end up regretting alone, almost eternally, when?
(Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game, but when your name was called, you found a place to hide - lifted from a song)

Come a year or so, you have learned when to carry out your plans. You take your time thinking about love. Not too excited but not too complacent. Come love..knocking on your door. You felt it, it is love. You pack your bags. You give yourself away. But when you open the door, it wasn't love after all. Confused, you close the door and unpack your bag-full of hope, love, life and luck. You've learned, love is everywhere but it was never clear where, when and with whom. So unclear that you thought it could be someone older, younger, someone you already know or someone you still need to know. And then, you end up looking and searching alone, almost eternally, who?

Yesterday, I was so easy. But yesterday was all just a memory. Now, I wasn't.

Late, Bonus, Salary Increase. Late

Not coming on time. Late. Monday, Tuesday and today. Late.

For the past weeks since the "rule" was implemented, I can say that at least my punctuality has improved. Before 9am, I am already here at the office. However, the penalty will start from 8.31am. Truth is, I am having a hard time and I am exerting efforts to comply. Any rewards for the effort? None.

Coming early can be a reward if you can start your work as soon or few minutes after you arrived. After or over a cup of coffee. Unfortunately, I am never a morning person. And that is the problem. No matter how early I woke up, I am always in slowmotion every morning. And with that, I have no other reason nor encouragement to comply, other than because it has become a rule.

Okay, people can change. People can become better. Is that an argument? Whatever. Of course people can change...over time. People can't change overnight.

Talking of encouragement. Where the hell is the salary increase and the bonus? For me, they are already sunk/spent/swiped. And the fact that it has been "swiped", I am already charged with interest. If ever, dear brothers and sisters, colleagues and co-employees, that our "beloved" is investing that in a high-yield deposit account or whatever securities, I hope that the interest earned is accrued to us. Haha. Loser.

If I am late, what do you call the salary increase and the bonus? PAST DUE AND IMPAIRED!!!!

Travel Misadventures Episode 3

Travel Misadventures will supersede (naks) IAS 1.. Haha, Elevator Misadventures pala. So this will be episode 3!

Scene 1
1.30pm. Sabado. Mainit ang ulo ko. Tpos mainit pa sa bahay nmin sa Manda (sosyal for Mandaluyong). Nagpack-up ako ng konting damit, sama na ang laptop at konting chichirya. Off I go to Cainta (walang sosyal na term, d pa kc xa city.. ung Manda ba? hmm..ewan). Sumakay ako ng bangka. Sira na ang porma ko. Keribels lang, wala pa nmang 30 seconds ang tawid e. Sumakay ako ng jeep papuntang MRT Guadalajara (Guadalupe). Mali ang binabaan ko at sa maling side ng MRT ako umakyat at p*cha siksikan sa masikip at mabahong elevator. I ignore it and climbed the stairs. Kung alam ko lang na aakyat ka pa ulit ng matarik ng hagdan para lumipat sa kabilang side (North Bound), sana tiniis ko na ang init at siksikan. Xmpre pag umakyat ka, bababa ka ulit. Okay fine, e d baba. Pagkatapos bumili ng 14 pesos na tiket hanggang Araneta-Cubao Station, pasok sa loob.

Scene 2
Bago ako makapasok,dumaan muna ako sa masusing pag iinspection ni kuyang Guardenia. Pati ata ung brief ko ininspect, kulang nlang ipaopen ung laptop ko. Hay ang tadhana, bakit pag minamalas ka e ung tipong sukdulan ng malas na parang pinagbagsakan ka ng langit at impyerno. Ang daming tao at ang tren, kung expandable lang e sing lapad n sana ng EDSA. Hmmm.. 3.30pm palang nman so keribels lang. Papasakayin ko muna ang mga katauhan. Pagkatapos ng 3 tren, lalong dumadami ang tao at lalong sumisikip ang tren. Utang na loob. Cge na nga sasakay na ako sa susunod na tren. Goodluck nlang. Buti nlang at di ko tinuloy ang pagbili ng donut sa Powerplant kundi piyaya na xa pagdating sa Cainta.

Scene 3
Di ko n klangang humakbang pagpasok sa tren. Nagulat na ako at nasa loob na ako ng tren. Ok fine. Kaya ko pa ang siksikan, at cguro nman me bababa na sa sunod na station. Boni Station. Wow. Napamura na ako (pero sarili ko lang). Kanina lang buong paa ko pa ung nakalapat sa sahig ng tren, ngaun nkatiptoe na ako. Hanep. Pag-abante ng tren, WOW, me humawak sa backpack ko. Sh*t! Nman naman! Daig ko pa ang gymnast. Tiptoed tpos nkaliyad. Konti nlang abot n ng kamay ko ang sahig. Amazing talaga. Sige, inisip ko nlang, nagbebending ako, stretching ba. Pagdating ng Araneta-Cubao Station, sh*t ganun pa rin ang pwesto ko. Maiistroke na ata ako. Hay.

Scene 4
Eto ang moral lesson. Uunahin ko na. Pag minamalas ka, wag kang magstay sa lugar kung san ka minalas kasi for sure tuloy tuloy ang ligaya, disgrasya pala. HINDI BUMUKAS ANG PINTO NG TREN! Kung kelan ineexpect ko na makakagalaw na ako ng maayos. LIMANG MINUTO pa bago bumukas! Me lalaki sa pinto na buong byahe e hinahalikan nya ung pinto, NAGMUMURA NA SYA. Unlike me, pinapaalam nya sa buong mundo na nagmumura xa. Kuya, okay lang yan ako nga maiistroke na, poised pa rin. Four minutes xang nagmumura. At least ung isang minuto nakapagtimpi pa xa. Pasalamat nlang tayo. YES BUMUKAS NA RIN ANG PINTO. SUGOD MGA KATIPUNERO!!!! Katulad kanina, nagulat nlang ako at nasa Araneta Footbridge na ako kahit d humahakbang. Hahaha. Joke lang. Fairmart lang.

Scene 5
Syempre malayo pa ang Cainta kaya mejo matagal pa ang misadventures ko. Dahil shocked pa ang katawan at isipan ko sa MRT, it-try ko pa bang magLRT papuntang Santolan Pasig??? HINDI NA!!! Bumili muna ako ng pasalubong sa pamangkin ko. Xmpre donut sa GoNuts. Hay ang panahon nga nman (biglang slowmo with matching wind blowing in my face). Ang dami n ng nagbago sa Araneta Cubao (pero ewwness parin ang Fairmart, class D?? hahaha, cge idowngrade pa natin Class DD-). Iba na kasi ang ayos ng Araneta Cubao since college ako (ui nito lang yun ha). Nag-improve ang terminal ng jeep papuntang RIZAL province, Marikina and the neighborhood towns). Pati ang ruta, nagbago din. Wow, iwas traffic! Haha, inikot ikot lang pala dahil ang bagsak din namin ay ang madugong traffic sa Aurora Blvd. Utang na loob!!! Tantanan nyo na ko... Sana tiniis ko nlang ang init ng katanghalian sa bahay sa Manda... Huhuhu.. Pagkatapos ng isang oras sa Aurora Blvd, matiwasay naman akong nakarating sa Cainta. Time of arrival 8pm. Ang saya ng byahe. Tara! Byahe tayo!!

Correction, hindi pala to Travel Misadventures kundi A Series of Unfortunate Events!

Elevator Misadventure Episode 2

Nakaschedule ang training namin sa Philamlife, 8am pero 8am na e nsa kalsada pa rin ako. Makati ave to Paseo, ah malapit nlang dba. Lakad takbo lakad takbo. Lawit na dila ko pagdating sa Philamlife building. Binati ako ng guardenia "Good Morning sir" kahit mukhang d ako kagalang galang, nanggigitata na kasi ako. Chineck ung gamit ko nung babaeng inspector ng bag, mano mano ito, unlike sa PSE na laser(?) (whatever, ur such a loser!). Pagbigay ko ng ID ko sa receptionist..hmm.. san ba ang elevator papuntang 18F, xmpre marami xa.. (well sanay na ako sa mga ganyang taktik ng mga arkitek, me 2-19F, tpos ung sunod n elev 20-30F na..and so on and so forth). So hinanap ko ang elevator papuntang 18F, at nasa dulong kaliwa xa... Me naalala ako..

(Flashback) Me interview ako sa isang firm (isla ng walang laya). Pagkatapos kong maligaw ng 30minutes nahanap ko nrin ang lecheng Philamlife building. Akala ko tapos na ang kaba ko na baka maligaw, hindi pa pala. Kala ko safe na ko since nasa loob na ako ng building. Pagkatapos mainspect ang mga dala kong papeles, direcho sa reception, kuha ng visitor ID. OK FINE, PASOK! SH*T! BAKIT ANG DAMING ELEVATOR, NY*TA. Pinalakas ko nlang ang loob ko, "HMP, PAREPAREHO LANG AAKYAT YAN". Xmpre direcho lang ako. Sakay! Add konting smile para di halata ng mga kasabay ko sa elev na super formal na kinakabahan ako. OK pindot 22F! Mejo di ko makita nung una. "EKSYUS PO" sabay lapit ng kamay sa button. EENIMEENIMAYNIMOW! Shockabells, WHERE THE HELL IS 22F??? (PANIC) Patay malisya nlang. Baba nlang ulit ako. Huhuhu.. Pagkatapos kong mahilo at mabingi sa sobrang bilis ng pagbaba ng elev, hinanap ko na kung san ba talga ako sasakay ng elev. AYUN, ME NKASULAT NMAN PALA! Pangalawa mula sa dulong kaliwa. Hay. Loser.

Balik sa katotohanan. 25 minutes na akong late. Sakay sa elevator. Ang di ko maintindihan e kung bakit pinipilit ko pindutin ang metal button na 18 e un plang katabi nyang rubber na circle ang pipindutin. Xmpre patay malisya n naman ako. Buti nlang at nakared na xa (so me pumindot na pala). Sabi ko nlang "AY OKAY NA PALA". Hay ulit. Ang lalim ng buntong hininga ko, galing pang ground floor to 18F. Dahil nagmamarunong ako, d na ako nagtanong sa receptionist kung sang ang training room namin. So inikot ko ang buong floor kakahanap ng training room. Hay ulit. Galing n ng impyerno ang buntong hininga ko. Leche.

Moral lesson: Wag mag-aaply sa firm na nasa building with so many elevators. Hay.

Ravinhood's Elevator Misadventures Episode 1

Last akong pumasok sa elavator. Me dalawang babaeng nsa pinakalikod bandang kanan sa likod ni Teddy. Pagdating sa fourth floor huminto ang elev. Me nagsalita sa likod "Ekskyus meee!!". Lumabas ako at ung isang lalaki sa likod ko para makaraan ang mga girls na pwede nating bansagang "Another prettypretty-han supergirls in town". Nahirapang lumabas ung unang babae. Pagtingin ko, kaya pala.. malaki xa. Kabaligtaran ung isa na 1/4 lang nya ang size. Pagkalabas nila sumigaw ung malaking "Another prettyprettyhan...", "HELL-O!, EKSKYUS NGA E! ANU BANG IBIG SABIHIN NG EKSKYUS? HALLER! MAHIRAP BANG INTINDIHIN YON? EKSKYUS!"
Sabi nman ng maliit na "Another prettyprettyhan", "OO NGA E, ANU BA YAN?"

Sumara na ang elevator pero naririnig ko pa rin ang boses nung malaking babae. Tumingin ako sa paligid. Mukhang kinakabahan lahat ng mga natira sa elevator. Feeling ko mga staffs sila kaya ganun, natakot. Buti nlang walang Partner n kasabay. Tumingin ako kay Teddy at ngumiti lang sya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Papalutan ko sana kaya lang, anu pang difference namin kung sumagot akong "MISS NA NAGMAMAGANDA, MALAKI KA LANG KAYA NAHIRAPAN KANG LUMABAS, MAG WEIGHTS KA KASI, LAMON KA LANG NG LAMON E!" Eww eww Elevator Etiquette! What an annoying behavior! Whatever.

Went

Metel went on a dinner date.

Jam, Ja, Aimee, Peach and Milela went on a movie date.

Bully bestfriend and Randilaine can't went out of PSB.

Ferds just went out of Orix and on his way back.

Geother went home.

Mark F, I do not know where he went.

I went here. Just here sitting, waiting, wanting.

After a few lines, I put on The Verve's new album Forth on the playlist. Look outside the building. I see my reflection on the glass window behind silhouetted buildings and dim lights. End of today. End of Thursday. End of work. Soon it'll be Friday. Friday's sitting beside me, waiting, wanting.

I was wondering...for all the things that happened, all that is said and done, all that was yesterday, was there a time I wasn't hoping, expecting for a little more, something better, something that I can say gladly 'This was meant for me'. All I was sitting for, waiting for, wanting for, was just around the corner - without hesitation or false hope. Well, I wasn't. But I learned to let them go. Let them go. A song said 'for a dream to happen, you have to let them go'.

I believe there is always a place a person belongs aside from home, aside from wherever ego/pride brought us. A place which resembles who we are - our traits, personalities, hopes, fears. Someday soon, I'll be in that place. I'll just have to let it go.

-Rav

Sleep

Like a sea of comfort, I dive in with a hope of finding my greatest treasure, my greatest pleasure. I turned and swim deeper and my eyes were tired. As I lay down swimming, I wish for something other than this blue. I wish for comfort other than this sea of cushion. I wish for happiness and peace. I wish for tomorrow. I wish waking up with gladness.

My eyes were open and everything now swings and swim. Too much of them I begin to drown and sank deep down. I saw a shell tossed by the sea. What would I be inside a shell?

I closed my tired eyes and communicate to the world. I communicate and learn. Swim deep. Think deep. Communicate.

I was shallow when I woke up.

Lost in Interpretation

This is a response to the misunderstandings on my previous posts. Although I don't need to explain further, it just came to me that this might be a good post. Nothing to be guilty about.
Often, people got this incredible ability to write something, an idea, when they are in extreme emotions... sad, happy, discontented, inspired, disappointed, excited, depressed and so on. I think, everyone has this moment in their lives, when you have this feeling or thought and you want someone to listen (just listen that you don't care if they will understand), but unfortunately, there was none. You got a pen and paper and you start writing it down. You start translating your emotions to thoughts to letters and words to a piece of work you can call your own literature of emotions. And for sure, you'll keep this literature, that only you and the piece of paper understand.

Soon you'll see yourself offering your work to others. Wanting them to read. Excited of what they might say. "Nice work!" Says your mind. But in the end, the words you want to hear were either left unspoken or the person was already lost in interpretation. Lost in translating your thoughts. The medium was broken. It's often true. People often got lost to your metaphors and figures of speech. They might even ask you to speak your mind directly to your point. And then you got disappointed. But you want to keep it that way. Always keep it that way.

On the brighter side, it is not important whether the person understands you or not, it is their attempt to connect. And that's the way it works, because that's yours and not the world's piece of literature.

For some people, extreme emotions are not prerequisite to writing their piece of craft. For them, it just comes naturally. For me, I just have to be in the mood. No more, no less.

==>Rav

Words

8.10.08
10:36pm

I will write too many words until the earth were covered by it. Good words. Fair words. And if I need more space I will jump off to outer space to stars and the milky way. You will see the good words in the sky at night painted with colors you like. And you will stargaze and look for my constellation every night. If my goods words are infinite I will detour and overwrite what I had written. But I want you to remember the good words before I overwrite and jump over again. Over and over I want you to remember the good words. And over and over I will jump, and at last into the heavens. I will not come back and I hope you to remember for me. The good words are heavily written, though hard to erase, but easy to be overwritten, overwritten by words of others. Others who may have different description of goodness. Exaggerated or opinionated. But do not weep when the good words were not visible anymore, for they joined the earth where you were standing. Hold on it and you will neither drown nor suspend. And when good words are over and nowhere to be found, do not worry, for now you are the good words, the fair words, and you carry them with my love.

-rav

Love

July 21
Monday, 11:56 pm.

What is love that you can give to a person and not to the other? Isn' t love universal, and that you can express love to everyone? Do we need to know and understand the person before we give love? What is love with a feeling of guilt? Isn't that love is virtuous? Do we need to know if we're loving the right or wrong person?

What is love that you cannot give? Why is there love that you cannot give? Is there a law is loving a person? A manual where we can refer to in case we went lost out of it. A love medicine you can take in case love left you broken, hurt and dissatisfied. These questions don't have and will never have straight answers.

What I do know is that love is caring for a person, keeping the person into your heart and recognizing (is enough) the person. Love is not time bounded. The most important thing is not how long you love a person, but how much love do you give to a person. Much doesn't mean a scale of 1 to 10 or the better-best superlatives since there is no such thing as love measurement. It don't have to be perfect, it don't have to be extravagant, it just have to be simple and honest.

Home and Homesick

Dearest,

It was midnight and sleep was not yet here to bother. It was quiet and cold here and it’s the second day of my short vacation. Not an interesting day and it’ll never be since I was supposed to rest, literally. The rain fell heavy this afternoon compared to yesterday that without a second thought I went out of the old house and soaked.

With each drop pouring on my face and everywhere, things began to blur. I try to remember a place – the trees, the road, the houses, the watered soil – they were still the same with what I have in my memory more than ten years ago. Everyone running. Everyone’s noices. Everyone’s laugh. Everyone who doesn’t believe in “Rain, rain, Go Away” nursery rhyme. Today, no one was running, and not a single voice heard. I began to feel colder and colder and so I run towards my grandparent’s old house, hoping that after running I might feel a little less cold. I remember, we used to shower on the broken gutter at the side of their house. And every time my grandmother sees us, she would yell at us getting sick. Of course she’s just worried, but we would always run away and look for another broken gutter-shower. Today, I heard no yelling and the gutter was still broken. I am home and homesick.

After leaving for school seven years ago, I thought all that I left would welcome me when I get back. That everything can be preserved. It wasn’t that way. Everything has to go away. Every time I get back here, I am looking forward to a feeling connected to the past, which I know is impossible. The best things I have here is my childhood and I know it was over. I was just hoping.

In the near future, I will surely feel the same when I get back to a place I know I belong. It’s like a train station where you meet everyone and the one seating beside you is your best friend. Then one by one, they’ll be gone to each of their own station, way to their own journey.

Today, I will consider this place as the foundation station.

I felt colder and decided to dress up.

Cheers!
Rav

I Love You

I have a smile. Stretched from ear to ear. To see you walking down the road. We meet at the lights, I stare for a while. The world around us disappears. Just you and me on this island of hope. A breath between us could be miles. Let me surround you, my sea to your shore. Let me be the calm you seek. And everytime I'm close to you there's too much I can't say. And you just walk away. And I forgot to tell you I love you. And the night's too long and cold here without you. I grieve in my condition for I cannot find the words to say I need you so.

words by: Sarah Mclachlan

The Servant

Proverbs 27:18 "He who tends the fig tree will eat its fruits, And he who cares for his master will be honored."

You toiled the soil. You plant the seeds. You water the crops and watched over until the harvest season. You made the harvest and filled your container. Once the harvest is over, you will toil the soil again and watch over. That is the cycle and this is your life.

I looked at you. I witnessed your hardwork, your faith and your triumphs. I asked you then, "Are you happy?" You answered, "This is what I am made for." I repeated, "Are you happy?" and you replied, "This is my master's land, and my master needs me."

I concluded. You were not happy.

You were eager and said, "I may not be happy with what I was asked to do, but I am happy to serve my master!"

I stopped and began to consider.

Happiness that all of us wanted is different from happiness that all of us needed. We may be unhappy with our lives (or this world) but happy for what our lives (this world) are (is) intended for. I kneel to our master and asked for forgiveness.

We toiled the soil. We plant the seeds. We water the crops and watched over until the harvest season. We made the harvest and filled our container. Once the harvest is over, we will toil the soil again and watch over. That is the cycle and this is our life.

rav. 7.4.08 8.30pm

The Melancholy

I was listening to Sinead O'Connor's cover of Sacrifice (originally by Elton John) and I suddenly start thinking of several things. My memories dig out deep deep histories of the 80's and 90's when we were young, then fast forward to the near future, then back to the present where I saw myself typing these thoughts. I felt happy but not eager. I never was. I'm still in this state of "waiting for inspiration to come", not eager to move, but hey I am sure that this is not some kind of a depressive affliction.

It's been a while. Consider this.

This writing made a promise. This writing was looking for accomplishments. This writing was forgotten. This promise was broken. Then I wasn't writing anymore. The writings were handwritten on a special book I always bring since good random thoughts come on a random place and time. (I am so carried away by Sinead O'Connor's voice, shit). Then the book was almost halfway and I've made about eight articles and two shortstories (one of it was published here, introduction only). That was an accomplishment I think. With this determination of finishing the book, I made a promise that once completed, I'll hand it to everyone, since no one had ever read all of the stories except me.

Halfway, things changed. I lost the determination. Good random thoughts never came. I am so occupied by several things. The melancholic who tries to be choleric became more melancholic. The humor in the writings changed. Reality came. I've learned that you can never change your point of views in life, by just trying to write "Hell, life is so beautiful, hallelujah!" And yes, I can write the best articles of depression, tragedy and cruelty of this world, and themes like "the person you looked up to are the persons who always let you down", "the painful thing in friendship is when all that is left are memories" and so so.

I kept the book. Read it several times before I lost it. I never cared.

Then I stopped writing.

Going Home

I was listening to Sixpence's Down and Out of Town single when I thought of making a post. My blog had been empty since I created my account. So here goes my debut.

The moment I'm making this debut I was thinking of a best topic of yesterdays which I could write down to create a length-ful tale. I suddenly stop. Hit the backspace and return the old cabinet of yesterday. I look around and think of now. Well, I'm still at the office and it's Friday. Some are still busy but most are on their way home. Some are just like me. Trying to make things better for ourselves, our job and our lives. I think of going home. Going to the safest place I could rest all of my worries and thoughts of the future. The same place where I could rest, literally.

Going home. I miss home. Home too far. Home too missed. I miss going home.

Going home, I will bring some treats to the kids. I will pack my new clothes my parents and the kids haven't seen. I will bring my jacket. Sure it'll be cold at sea. I will bring some snack. Sure it'll take a long journey. I will go to the station and wait in the bus till I can fall asleep. I will be awake soon when the bus driver taps my shoulder. It will be midnight by that time. I will buy a ticket for myself and keep it in my wallet. Sure by halfway, the ship assistants will check for it. I will sit on the front deck where there's an open air. Sure I could stargaze for an hour. I will take a nap after and wake up when the siren's yelling "Home". I will be the first to go down. Sure there'll be jeepneys waiting for me and the rest of my kind. I will sit on the front seat of the jeepney. I will be home after an hour. Sure my mother's keeping the front yard clean holding her magical broom. I will open my treat and have it for breakfast. Sure the kids will open my bag searching for things they can own. Sure I will ask for a nice lunch. Sure I will discuss the things that happen the times I should have tell them. Sure I will sleep on my bed I missed. Sure I miss home. Sure I am. I miss going home.

By this time, I am still at the office. The record is playing "A Million Parachutes".

Like a million parachutes, the snow's falling down. I'll lock up the front door and turn the lights down. In the glow of the streetlights I see then descend..Like a million parachutes....